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Mr. President…We Can Not Allow an A.S.S.G.A.P. to Occur!

January 19, 2007

Did you think the cold war ended when the Soviets took down the Berlin wall? Think again! According to the Wall Street Journal the Chinese successfully shot down one of their aging weather satellites earlier this month.The “Ass” Must Stop the A.S.S Gap!



China successfully carried out its first test of an antisatellite weapon last week, signaling its resolve to play a major role in military space activities and bringing expressions of concern from Washington and other capitals, the Bush administration said yesterday.

Only two nations — the Soviet Union and the United States — have previously destroyed spacecraft in antisatellite tests, most recently the United States in the mid-1980s.

Arms control experts called the test, in which the weapon destroyed an aging Chinese weather satellite, a troubling development that could foreshadow an antisatellite arms race. Alternatively, however, some experts speculated that it could precede a diplomatic effort by China to prod the Bush administration into negotiations on a weapons ban.

White House officials said the United States and other nations, which they did not identify, had “expressed our concern regarding this action to the Chinese.” Despite its protest, the Bush administration has long resisted a global treaty banning such tests because it says it needs freedom of action in space.



Mr. Conservatard has heard a rumor that the Bush administration is quite worried about the actions of the Chinese government. They have already started to refer to the Chinese space defense program as the Anti Satellite System Global Armament Project, or A.S.S.G.A.P. for short. Speaking of asses, Bush’s hard-line stance on space weapons systems is the reason, most military analysts believe, why the Chinese demonstrated that they have the ability to destroy satellites just like the US and Russia.

After reading this story Mr. C’s imagination got the best of him. He sees it all now. The President sitting in the situation room deep beneath the White House surrounded by his senior cabinet members, the joint chiefs, and various neo-conservative advisers. Tricky Dick Cheney will be sitting in the corner quietly mumbling and squawking like the Penguin into a phone directly connected to the largest military contractors. Everybody will be shouting and trying to intimidate each other into submission.

Finally after what seems like days the “great decider” himself will stand up and demand order. He will tell the attendees that he is a simple, God fearing man and wants a simple answer to a complicated question.

That moment is when the choir of neo-conservative angels, generals, contractors, and the VP all sing in unison…

“Mr. President… we can not allow an A.S.S.G.A.P. to occur! Therefore we must invade China at once! It won’t cost the American tax payer anything and the Chinese people will greet us with flowers for saving from communism.”


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Herbesse permalink
    January 19, 2007 9:32 pm

    Will this make my Dick Cheney stocks on trendio rise?

  2. June 25, 2007 9:30 pm

    Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi

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