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Save Our Children. From Conservatard Protection!

October 23, 2006

Mr. C. just finished reading a nice report out of Oklahoma where a Republican candidate is proving how “concerned” he is about children’s safety. In a bizarre online article from local Oklahoma news station called Candidate: Use Textbooks As Shields From School Shooters. A Republican named Bill Crozier who is a nominee for state superintendent of education has come up with a jim-dandy ideal to help protect children from school shootings.

Science Books, The New Body Armor?


Bill Crozier, a Union City Republican going against incumbent Democrat Sandy Garrett, said he believes old textbooks could be used to stop bullets shot from weapons wielded by school intruders.

If elected, he said he would put thick used textbooks under every desk for students to use in self-defense.

He gave Eyewitness News 5 a videotape showing he and others shooting weapons, such as an AK-47 and a 9 mm pistol, at books in a field near Minco. They conducted the experiment to see how far bullets would penetrate the books.

“We are doing this as an experiment because at Fort Gibson, many young people were shot in the back,” Crozier said in the videotape, referencing a December 1999 middle school shooting in eastern Oklahoma, in which a student wounded four students with a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun.

Crozier’s experiment began with shots fired at a calculus textbook from an AK-47 Russian-style assault rifle. The shot penetrated two textbooks at once.

“We need to look at protection of young people that sometimes people may think you are a little smarter than everybody else or a higher IQ or whatever. They need to look at what the end result would be,” Crozier said.

Holy friggin sheep dip Batman! Why didn’t I think of that? In fact why didn’t the US Army think of doing something like that? All those solders in Iraq and Afghanistan that were ill prepared for those nasty IED’s. The troops could have been wearing calculus and evolutionary science books to make up for the lack of body armor that Rumsfeld didn’t deem important enough to put in the defense budget. In fact even the truck drivers that Halliburton hire to drive unarmored trucks in combat zones could just stuff their truck cabs with science books.

Mr. Conservatard whole heartedly supports the use of thick science books to stop bullets. In fact using science books in this fashion kills two birds with one stone. First it protects easily expendable people with body armor at little or no cost. Second it is a great way to get rid of all those pesky books that tout non-Christofascist ideals like evolution, global warming and genetics.

It is good to know that true conservatards like Bill Crozier of Oklahoma are using the philosophy of God, guts and guns instead of their brains to look out for the welfare of the children. It is good to know that you don’t need some fancy Yale or Harvard edumikashun to be elected to a post as important as the superintendent of Oklahoma’s education system. In fact Mr. Conservatard feels that if Mr. Crozier is elected and works closely with senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, the great state of Oklahoma and even America has a bright future to look forward to. A future perhaps even brighter than a thousand points of light.

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